Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I use to be pro-choice... until I had an abortion

The hardest thing I have ever written about or spoken about is my abortion. When I began compiling research for my first speaking engagement, I remember crying out to God... "I can't do this. It is too much. Too painful."
The details are horrid... what is done to an unborn child. The research went beyond grueling. I had an abortion in complete ignorance of what I was doing... knowing what I know now, how could I bury my head in the sand?

I became pregnant as an older teen. I was married. The details of that are not necessary, but the marriage lasted only lasted 4 months. And then I found out I was pregnant.

My father... a man that raised 2 girls and a boy for many years on his own. A man that never gave up, in spite of great adversity.
My mother... she left when I was 6. (Out of respect for her, I got her permission to tell this story).

My father begged me NOT to abort. So I went to my mother. She took me to the hospital to get an exam. They asked me, after they confirmed that I was pregnant, if I wanted to carry the baby to full term or abort the mass of tissue.

Okay... mass of tissue. I had no attachment to a mass of tissue that could easily be aborted, forgotten, right?

So my mother gave me the money I needed to have the abortion. She dropped me off at the clinic. I had no idea what I was doing. I did not bring enough money to be put to sleep through the "procedure"... so I was awake the whole time. They numbed me. I felt no physical pain... but I will never forget the tugging and the pulling.
In the midst of the abortion, I was struck with this horrid thought that I was murdering my baby... this wasn't just a mass of tissue.
I screamed, "STOP! Please stop... I can't do this."
And then I heard them whisper... "Oh, she's farther along than we thought."
THey spoke louder... "It's too late, honey. You did the right thing. Now, you can go on with your life."
That brought me no comfort for all I could remember was the feeling of having a baby literally ripped from my womb.
I will never forget the sound of that "vacuum".
I could hear the water running in the sink nearby.
I then heard a big plop...
"Did you just throw my baby in the trash?" I thought.
... Then they shuffled me out the back way.

I sat alone on the curb outside, waiting for my mother to come pick me up. She was an hour late and the smell of alcohol on her breath was overwhelming.
THey told me I would forget about the "mass of tissue' and be able to go on with my life, but I was having nightmares every night. For many years, a day did not go by that I did not contemplate suicide.

Guilt, sorrow, loss of dignity and deep shame are the most felt responses after an abortion. Our churches are full of women who have had an abortion and are too ashamed to admit it. But these are the women that need to especially stand up for the cause of life because they know first-hand the deep despair and lonely scars of regret that abortion can leave.
Psalm 32 says, "When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long... then I acknowledged my sin to YOU and did not cover my iniquity. I said, I will confess my transgression to the LORD- and YOU, (O, LORD) forgave the guilt of my sin."

God graciously revealed to me several years later that I was a religious lost woman on a roller coaster ride of self-sustained religion... I possessed a counterfeit faith. I claimed with my mouth that I was a Christian... though I continued to live a very destructive lifestyle. What I had was an empty, dead-end religion. Though I professed to know God, my life denied Him... I was detestable, disobedient and truly useless for any good deed...
Why? Because my "good deeds" were done to be seen by others, not for the glory of God.

I was perishing from hunger... having bread in my hands and yet, not eating it. I went through the motions of serving God, but I was still SO EMPTY! I had convinced myself that I was a Christian. Hey...I live in the Bible belt. Everyone here says they are Christians... so I just fit in with this dead faith... this carnal Christianity.

I was so blind to my sinfulness because I was evaluating my life according to the standards of the world. But when I began to evaluate my life according to God's standards, I realized the weight of my sinfulness and deceit.

"ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23)
I fell face down in shame and cried out to God... "I am so filthy before You, a holy GOD. Please, be merciful to me a sinner..."

I did not want to be ruled by sin any longer... I longed to be ruled by the ONE TRUE GOD.

No matter what we go through in life, whether your life is full of obvious sin, painful memories, resentments, or perhaps an appearance of a basically good person... WE ARE ALL DESPERATE WITHOUT GOD!

Please, examine your life and your mindset?
Do you really have a heart for God?
Are you a genuine Christian? Is the image of Christ imprinted on your life? Do you see God's work in you...

God sent His only Son to suffer and fully bear the penalty of sinners like me... I pray He draws you to Himself... that your eyes, your heart would be opened to His perfect truth... that He would grant you the grace to believe and trust in Him alone as your Saviour and Lord. And may you, as a result of this unmerited favour, actively long for and pursue holy living...this is not only an obligation, but a privilege.
Serving God, not because you have to as though it is something mundane and burdensome... but because you just can't help yourself... fall in love with the One who loved you first despite your sinfulness.

Please... choose life... and if you have had an abortion, may He grant you peace and heal the brokenness of this sin so that you can live a life that honors God and be enabled to encourage other women and young girls for the glory of God...


I will be sharing more stories from the research I have done...
I will, in writing about pro-life, always refer you back to the stages of this writing process, if you had not gotten an opportunity to read what was previously written. I encourage you to read them if you want to get the whole picture. My first post on pro-life can be found here: http://god-willing.blogspot.com/2006/02/easier-left-unspoken.html


Blogger T A Blankenship said...

I really appreciated reading your testimony. I am sure it must be difficult to share it.
We all must be thankful for God's grace. We, who art the Redeemed, know what grace is really about.
Thanks again.

10:43 AM  
Blogger Tim said...

Thanks so much for your testimony - linked here.

9:37 PM  
Blogger 4given said...

I have fallen in love with my Saviour... therefore I cannot help but share what he has accomplished in me, even if in so doing, it causes me to have to almost relive the pain. To HIM be ALL the glory!

9:45 PM  
Blogger DOGpreacher said...

Thank you very much!

12:25 PM  
Blogger Susan said...

A good book is My Unknown Child by Noreen Riols. For women who have had an abortion or considering one. Noreen writes compassionately from the same experience, and the end of the story, when she must come deal with the forgiveness of Christ - for what she cannot forgive herself - well, worthy reading. And the vision she has shortly thereafter. Phew.
Thank you for this testimony. It's a difficult one. I know.

11:13 AM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

Wow, sis, praise God for His mercy on us all. I pray that women would see this who are considering abortion.

10:21 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Thank you for sharing this. Thankfully, God in His goodness has shown you and me grace. What wonderful Truth about Him.


3:29 PM  
Anonymous KathleenM said...

I think it's interesting that the only women who claim "I didn't know what I was doing" about their abortion are women who seek to deny other women the very choice they themselves exercised. I've never heard a pro-choice woman claim such ignorance or denial about their abortion. It's always the anti-choicers who -- after freely and voluntarily getting the abortion they needed -- suddenly turn around and start concocting all sorts of denials: "I didn't know what I was doing", "It wasn't my choice", "I was forced", "Nobody told me.", etc.

You didn't know that abortion removes an unwanted pregnancy? What did you think you were making an appointment for, a tooth cleaning?
Either anti-choice women tend to be remarkably ignorant and passive as a whole -- or they adopt this cloak of ignorance and irresponsibility after becoming "prolife". Which is it?

2:07 AM  
Blogger 4given said...

Dear Kathleen,
It was both ignorance and irresponsibility. I was young and very self focused looking for an excuse, like the baby being called "mass of tissue" but truly not having any idea what I was getting into when my mother dropped me off to get the abortion. Actually Kathleen, I really was pro-choice until I had an abortion... and this happens to many women, including older ones that have fought for the right to kill their unborn child... until they have done it themselves.


6:13 AM  
Blogger Diane said...

((((((Lisa)))))), thank you for sharing your testimony, despite the pain it causes. I'm sure you have encouraged many women, and have been used of the Lord to save babies.

You are right when you say there are women in our churches today who have had abortions, but we don't know it. Many years ago, a woman I had gone to church with for years told me that she had had three. She told me this just out of the blue one day. It was a huge surprise to me, because this lady was the least likely person in this church I thought who would have told me that. I thought that because she was almost blind, she was older, and she was not a spring chicken by the world's standards. I said that so that we can be reminded that we can never tell what another person has been through, or done, based on their appearance. I never judged her, I was just surprised because of who it was.

To Kathleen, in response to this comment "after freely and voluntarily getting the abortion they NEEDED", a different word should have been used.

A need is something we have to have, such has food, clothing, shelter, etc. A WANT is something we DESIRE, but is NOT NECESSARY to survive.

1:45 PM  
Blogger Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) said...

Wow - what a powerful testimony! That must have been such an unbearable experience!! God bless you for sharing it.

6:31 PM  
Blogger Carla said...

I just read your abortion story. So much like mine. Dear sister in Christ I stand with you. Let us go on telling the truth to those who believe the lies!! Thank you for your courage and your voice.

6:59 PM  

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